A small confidence crisis

And how to tackle it with expert tips from confidence coach, Lucy Baker

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A couple of weeks ago, I was starting to speak to myself in a way I haven’t done in months. Work had been steady but a little quieter than normal - just the right amount of quiet for old Negative Nancy to start rearing her ugly head.

And turns out, I can be pretty mean to myself when I feel like it.

“Everyone thinks you’re irrelevant now you’ve got two kids,” I thought after posting a photo on Instagram of my baby at a playgroup.

“That editor probably hasn’t given you any work because they think you’re a nobody,” I thought later the same day.

“Why has that editor invited you to that training webinar with all those successful beauty journalists? Did they do it by mistake?”

“Are they ever even going to publish that first-person piece you’ve written?”.

And on and on it went until I felt pretty annoyed with myself.

Looking at these thoughts on paper and with a little distance, I can see the huge positives staring right back at me in all of these scenarios. I’d been commissioned two first-person pieces for a national online publisher, and I’d been asked to be a freelance editor within a pool of some really talented people. I’d also had a really lovely time at that playgroup. But for some reason, my brain was trying to turn these very lovely things into big fat negatives.

Negative thoughts like this often start quite subtly. A gentle whisper in your ear encourages you to doubt yourself. To not send that pitch, or write that email, or even reply to that tweet you have a really interesting point about. All of these things hold us back as freelancers and parents.

But when you're freelance, you can't just hide away. You have to put yourself out there and sell yourself no matter how you're actually feeling inside. And that can sometimes be really, really hard.

I think it’s important to say that I don’t always feel like this. I can go for months feeling assured and confident with no time at all to worry about what other people think of me professionally. But it only takes a few quiet weeks, the loss of some work or someone else on social media appearing to be killing it, and I’m right back to square one.

For many freelancers, and I imagine many of you too, it’s one of the biggest challenges of working for yourself. When you’re your own cheerleader, PR manager, HR consultant and accountant, there can be moments when it feels quite exhausting.

So, what do you do to protect your own mental health and ensure that confidence you deserve doesn’t dip after every tiny setback?

To find out and get some tangible tips, I asked Lucy Baker, a confidence coach who helps people feel, well, confident at work. Her wisdom and expertise came at just the right time for me and I hope you can fall back on her advice during low periods too.

CAT: As a freelancer, I find that my confidence ebbs and flows. A quiet week of emails or work can really send me into a tail-spin and I find that I start talking to myself more negatively. How can we combat this?

LUCY: When negative thoughts creep in, write them down! When you see the negative thoughts as a list on paper it makes the thought real and you can then do something about it. Buy a nice journal, write at the top ‘My Negative Thoughts’ and jot them down when they appear in your head. The next thing to do is to switch that negative thought into the positive opposite. So instead of ‘I must be awful at my job I'm not getting any work’, turn this into, ‘I am good at my job, it just happens to be quiet this week. Do this for ALL of your negative thoughts’.

CAT: What would your advice be for freelancers who have lost confidence since having children?

LUCY: I want all parents (and everyone in fact) to know that your confidence can and will improve IF you put the work in. Confidence is similar to a muscle - when you work on it, it gets stronger. The very first place to start is to work out WHY your confidence is low and you can do this through journaling. Ask yourself, ‘Why is my confidence low?’ and free-write the answer. You will be surprised how much will come out and you will start to get familiar with what is holding you back. Confidence is key to success, balance, feeling good and achieving in life and it really helps in parenting, too. 

CAT: How can we conquer those bigger fears such as writing a first-person piece, going live on Instagram to plug our work or event, or simply stating our mind more? 

LUCY: Fear often comes from having low confidence - and low confidence is very limiting.  I say this a lot, but I can't stress enough how important journaling can be for improving your confidence. By writing down your fears - I hate my voice / I feel like I'm showing off - it helps the mind come to terms with how much these feelings are holding you back AND how un-true they are. I mean, where are the facts?! Often these statements and beliefs are untrue and journaling brings this to light. Make sure you plan in at least one 'scary' thing every month to help your confidence grow. We all know that after we have done that scary thing, we feel better and more confident - so make yourself do it. Go to a new networking thing, call someone up on the phone, ask for a collaboration or some feedback (we all hate this!) but these kinds of tasks BOOST your confidence. A good mantra to have (and I use this all the time) is ‘It'll be OK’ - I tell myself this a lot. Some people like to use ‘What's the worst that can happen?’ Saying phrases like this out loud, on repeat, stops the normal dialogue of – ‘I'm so nervous’, ‘I'm going to be rubbish’, ‘What if so-and-so watches me or reads the piece?’ 

CAT: How have you built up your own professional and personal confidence?

LUCY: Five years ago I came to terms with the fact that my low confidence and self-berating behaviour was holding me back, and it was totally exhausting. I appeared confident on the outside but inside I was really struggling. I started digging into the reasons WHY I felt the way I did. I identified those feelings, worked through them, and put them to bed and made way for new beliefs. It was a practical approach and not in any way woo-woo. I really don't feel that asking the universe for confidence is a good thing. So, after about six months of journaling and learning about confidence, I started to push myself into new and exciting situations. I worked hard, started to believe in myself, started to accept and like myself for me (no more pretending) and life changed. I have a confidence strategy that I know works for me and I review this every few months. Without a plan, nothing changes - so a confidence strategy helps to keep me confident and on track. It is not to say that I am confident all the time - I am not, but the difference is that I know now when my confidence is dropping, and I can do things to stop is getting really low. I understand confidence in myself, and others and it is absolutely fascinating.  

CAT: How can we get the balance right of being confident but not appearing arrogant? So many people worry about this when self-promoting their freelance work. 

LUCY: This is a big one and 99% of the women I have worked with worry about this. Firstly, confidence is not arrogance. Arrogant people are not confident, and their arrogance tends to be a cover up for low self-belief, self-loathing, jealously and more. Confidence is a feeling of inner calm, trusting yourself, knowing yourself inside out, and not worrying what other people think. It’s also about wanting others to succeed. Confidence is both a feeling and a behaviour and it is subtle. It is NOT being the loudest person in the room. Once you start to feel truly confident, you can show up as an expert in your field, safe in the knowledge that you are good at what you do. Growing your confidence is your job and no-one else's! Don't rely on work colleagues, editors, friends, partners to boost your confidence. If these boosts happen from these areas they are short-lived, and, what if it never happens!?

So, you heard it from Lucy, if you’ve been letting the negative thoughts creep in, perhaps today is the day to tell them to pipe down. Being a freelance parent is not easy so make time to pat yourself on the back today.

Until next time,

Cat x

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