How to cope with the news from Israel as a parent
With expert advice from a counsellor
It has been an extraordinarily horrible week of news. If like me, you have consumed a lot of content over the last few days, trying to make sense of what happened in Israel, you are as probably as sad and horrified as me. I, and some of my friends, haven’t been able to sleep, have had nightmares, have felt angry, even, at the reaction or apathy of others.
The images of the mother clutching her nine-month-old baby and four-year-old as she was surrounded by Hamas soldiers and kidnapped will never ever leave me. I have thought of her and her babies so much over the last few days. I’ve also thought of the many other babies, children, the elderly, and young women who have also been killed. I’ve also thought of all of those trapped in Gaza – half of which are children. It is too horrible to contemplate. And this all after months of war in the Ukraine.
But I am not writing this newsletter to bring more of this to your inbox. I’m very aware how terrible news cycles can affect our mental health, especially as parents. I’ve written before about intrusive thoughts and anxiety in motherhood, and events like this can really trigger it all.
So yesterday, I spoke to Georgina Sturmer, a BACP registered Counsellor in the UK, to get some actionable advice on coping with terrible news while staying engaged. Georgina specialises in supporting women, with plenty of experience of working with women during the perinatal period and beyond. She has many words of comfort that I hope you’ll find useful. Please share this newsletter with anyone who you think might need it.
CAT: The news this week from Israel has been horrific. For mothers especially, it can be incredibly hard to read and hear about babies and children being killed and kidnapped. How can we stay engaged with the news cycle while protecting our own mental health?
GEORGINA: “Even under ‘ordinary’ circumstances it can be extremely challenging to engage with the 24/7 news cycle without becoming overwhelmed or anxious. In Johann Hari’s book ’Stolen Focus’ he talks about how we are simply not designed to absorb news in this way. So, when we are faced with absolutely horrific stories, images and videos, it’s even more important to be proactive in protecting our mental health. You can do this in the following ways:
Setting boundaries
“The first step is to ask yourself what you really need from the news cycle, and see what boundaries you can put in place to protect yourself. If you feel it’s important to stay informed, can you set limits to help you achieve this? A set time-frame reading specific publications, viewing selected channels, or listening to specific podcasts. Turn everything else off. Leave groups that don’t serve you, mute all news-related notifications, and use the privacy settings on your phone to your advantage”.
Engage - or not – mindfully
“Be mindful about how you engage with discourse online. If you feel tempted to comment, or share, or argue, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve? And how might it leave you feeling?”
“If these ideas sound impossible, then start off by simply tracking your activity. Keep a log of how and when you monitor the news, or engage with it directly. Also keep a log of how you feel before and afterwards. Then look back on it the next day. Did you really need to spend all that time? Was it worth it?”
Can you explain exactly what happens to us and our brains when we are faced with incomprehensibly horrible news?
GEORGINA: “When we are faced with incomprehensibly horrible news, it’s common to feel totally overwhelmed. It’s like a tangled ball of underlying feelings that all weave around each other: shock, sadness, fear, frustration, helplessness, anger. We might find our thoughts spiralling into negativity and catastrophe. This can manifest in our bodies in all sorts of ways, shortness of breath, panic attacks, Or sometimes we respond by feeling completely numb, disconnected and detached. This can be our mind's way of defending us from something that we simply cannot fathom. And if we’re feeling overwhelmed or numb, or exhausted from all the ‘doomscrolling’ then everyday life becomes harder too. We become less resilient, more prone to anger or anxiety”.
CAT: As a mother, I've suffered with intrusive thoughts and find good coping mechanisms to manage them. However, some of the images in the media this week will never leave me. How can I and other mothers and fathers feeling very distressed manage this?
GEORGINA: “Acknowledge what’s going on, and find a way to connect with how you are feeling. It might be voicing it out loud, writing it down, chatting to a friend, or some other creative outlet. Start unpicking that tangled web of feelings, what they are, and how they manifest in your body. When we start to really notice what’s happening, it can help us to validate our sense of distress”.
“Find a way to stay grounded in your present reality. Remind yourself that you are here and you are safe. That might sound callous, when there is so much tragedy unfolding overseas. But sometimes our mind - and our body - needs a reminder that although we have seen traumatic images, they are not our reality. This might involve affirmations, physical activity, or anything that helps you to feel connected with where you are, and offers you perspective. Visualisation can also be helpful, if you’re able to create a multi-layered sensory visualisation that helps you to feel safe and calm”.
“Seek support. Don’t suffer in silence. Seek support from a trained mental health professional. You might also want to contact a helpline like SHOUT, which is staffed 24/7 by trained volunteers who are there to listen and support you”.
CAT: It is very easy to feel helpless in these situations. Do you have any advice on taking steps to feel less helpless?
GEORGINA:“Find practical ways for you to channel your distress. Maybe it’s fundraising for a charity, or doing something meaningful to support people in your local community”.
“Distraction. Remember that part of helplessness is when we feel powerless and out of control. So if there’s an area of your life that helps you to feel ‘in control’ - perhaps your work - then embrace that as a way to feel”.
“Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that at times like this you might need to think proactively about looking after yourself”.
“Finally, remember that although you’re a mother, you’re also a human being. It’s possible that you’re expending energy making sure that everyone else is ok, and possibly putting on a brave face in order to keep your children feeling safe and secure. If this is the case, then make sure you find an outlet where you can really let your feelings out. Even if it means getting in the car for a late night trip to the supermarket and shedding some tears in the car park where no one can see you”.
Thanks for reading, take care, turn your phone off for a few hours if you need to.
Until next time,
Cat x
NB: This is not an invitation for a debate on the conflict between Palestine and Israel. Please go to Twitter for that.