Love vs Attachment

And other lessons I learned about parenting in 2024

Just before Christmas I was finding this whole parenting lark a bit hard. Actually, not a bit hard. Very hard. So hard in fact I was having delusions about running away to the circus. Jokes aside, it wasn’t a very good time.

The skies were grey and oppressive, and every school run felt like I was trudging through sludge. My children were exhausted from the endless ‘joy-filled’ nativity plays, fairs and Christmas activities and they were absolutely sick and tired of school.

This drudgery continued throughout December, and I kept asking myself, ‘why is this so hard in a month that is supposed to be so happy?’ I was convinced that it was the lack of sunshine that had turned my six-year-old from a happy, confident little boy into an enraged and grumpy ogre who resented me for his very existence. ‘Can’t we just go on holiday’ he asked me one morning.

Every day I picked him up at 3.20pm. Every day he was rude and dismissive. Every day the snacks I’d brought were wrong or the pet name I called him was embarrassing. Sometimes he cried. Sometimes I cried. One day he just lost it on the living room floor and cried until he tired himself out. I was exhausted by this thankless task called motherhood. But still every day we did the same thing. He walked home shouting about some altercation or another at school, I listened, made him dinner, bathed him, and hugged him while we watched a film.

I then started going to hot yoga – a welcome reprieve from the freezing temperatures outside and the lonely school runs with my mini dictators. In one particular evening class, the teacher spoke about the difference between love and attachment. Love, she said, was the act of showing up for someone over and over; doing the same acts of kindness for them no matter how they treated you. Attachment on the other hand was when you stayed by someone’s side when things were going well but detached yourself if they treated you badly or the relationship no longer served your needs.

I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, each sentence resonating with me more as she spoke. Of course, you could pick apart this statement in so many ways and to be clear, she wasn’t talking about staying in an abusive situation just because you love someone. She was talking about the small (or big) acts of love many of us continue to show to those we care about each day – especially to our children. It is one of the purest forms of love that we require nothing for, no transaction needed.

In those difficult final weeks of 2024 when my eldest son was struggling, it was me that got the tail end of his sadness and exhaustion. But still I showed up for him in the same way I did every other day. There would be no other option. If he was sad, I was sad and we just muddled through it.

I guess what I learned from this rough patch was that in times of difficulty, when you feel like you are failing or that your parenting skills are not up to scratch, all your child ever really needs is for you to show up for them. Our December was not picture perfect or that enjoyable but it did really make me realise how much I love my children. Because being shown unconditional love from someone – whether it’s a parent, partner or friend – really is the greatest gift that any of us can ever receive. One that forms who we are, affects our future relationships and families, and helps us do good in the world.

Never underestimate the value of your work as a parent even when your child turns into an ogre.

Happy 2025 to you all.

Until next time,

Cat x